Many (most?) of us aren’t really fearless when it comes to new ventures, perhaps heeling a bit further than we’re used to, going under a fixed bridge or through an opening one, sailing offshore, standing an overnight watch, or facing a squall.
And we look at friends’ or acquaintances’ posts on Facebook or Instagram and wonder how do they look so happy, nonchalant and — dare we say it? — calm in the face of possible disaster.
It’s a question I’ve gotten a fair number of times: how do I not freak out and turn into a blubbering pile of jelly?
Obviously, the first step is training. But most often the people who are asking me this have taken classes and are competent. It’s “just” nerves.
So how do you get over a case of nerves?
I’m not a psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor nor do I have any other relevant training (that’s my disclaimer), but I can tell you what worked for me.
Faking it.
Yep. Years ago, facing my first foray into public speaking, I got what to me was invaluable advice:
I didn’t have to actually be calm, cool and collected; I just had to look like I was.
And the funny thing was that pretty quickly, I started actually feeling that way.
I’ve discovered the same thing about doing things that make me nervous on the boat. I started by deciding that I wanted to look like I was having fun (having someone taking photos helped to give me a reason to smile). And almost always, within minutes I forgot about the “looking like” part: I was enjoying myself.
Heeling on a monohull? Well, I learned to sail when I was 12 on small boats designed to heel. And whenever us kids would do things right and get it moving on that heel, the instructor would yell out things like “woo-hoo!” to reinforce the idea that what we were doing was fun. To this day, I get a grin when we hit that sweet spot of heel (yeah, we have a catamaran now so it’s when we’re on a friend’s boat).
Docking or picking up a mooring ball? I know things will go better if I appear calm to others on the boat or dock. So I give calm, specific instructions. No, I don’t necessarily feel calm as I’m pulling up to a large solid object. But I can project calmness. And then, suddenly, I am.
Standing watch overnight? I freaked the first time (read that story here). But as Dave and I started cruising our own boat, I wanted him to sleep well when he was off watch. The only way that would happen was if he thought I felt good about being on watch. Yep, back to faking it. And after a couple of absolutely glorious night sails, I found that I really looked forward to my night watches. The dark wasn’t scary, the stars were beautiful.
Okay, there may be situations where I’m still nervous and faking it doesn’t change how I really feel — say in squalls — I still use it. Even if I’m faking it, projecting calmness helps keep those around me (even other boats if we’re talking on the radio) calm. I don’t want their nervousness to feed on mine — as mine will feed on theirs.
And really, that’s a big part of why I want to project calmness and fun: to stop escalating the tension. If I want to have fun on board, I have to show a good attitude myself. And I’ve learned that if I don’t like how things are going, projecting a calm demeanor is much more likely to get others to agree with me.
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Carolyn Shearlock has lived aboard full-time for 17 years, splitting her time between a Tayana 37 monohull and a Gemini 105 catamaran. She’s cruised over 14,000 miles, from Pacific Mexico and Central America to Florida and the Bahamas, gaining firsthand experience with the joys and challenges of life on the water.
Through The Boat Galley, Carolyn has helped thousands of people explore, prepare for, and enjoy life afloat. She shares her expertise as an instructor at Cruisers University, in leading boating publications, and through her bestselling book, The Boat Galley Cookbook. She is passionate about helping others embark on their liveaboard journey—making life on the water simpler, safer, and more enjoyable.
Terry Bogart says
There was no fake calm for Irma and Maria for me. I’ve had enough.
The Boat Galley says
True, hurricanes are something different. But calmness in prepping for one and evacuating (if possible) goes a long way.
Linda Stevenson says
Try it again, in Luperon, DR! I was very nervous having never weathered anything worse than a squall. No intention of demeaning squalls, but the hurricanes so far were much easier to get through in Luperon than the squalls we experienced elsewhere. I learned so much here from locals, other cruisers and my husband who has years of sailing experience. Most here were very calm and methodical during preps that it was very reassuring to me even though I knew that the hurricanes would be passing fairly closely. I know we were very lucky, too, and think/pray often for those who weren’t.
Fiona Winter says
Great article!
Debbie Connolly says
Thank you!
Geoff McClure says
I’ve always called it “facing down my fear”
Deborah DeRitter Nash says
Thank you for this article. I like to tell myself that I am courageous because I go despite being scared.
The highlight for me of our trip a few weeks ago was when my husband talked me out of a panic attack. Our engine had been having “hiccups” and we were headed out into some early morning fog. He saw I was spiraling and calmly started talking about some random thing, having a conversation with me until I actually was able to calm down and join in his conversation. He never told me to calm down, or that my fears were irrational. It was such a big step for both of us.
The Boat Galley says
That is a wonderful story and a huge step!
Dave Skolnick (S/V Auspicious) says
Deborah and others,
Irrational fear is still fear. It’s real. Being told fear is irrational simply doesn’t help. It doesn’t matter. Good for your husband.
Jim Spiller says
Susan Spiller❤️
Tania Diaz says
Marek, great article
Mike West says
Good stuff, as usual, I hope you and Dave are doing well, stop for a visit at the Glades, I’ll make dinner.
Gena Beckett Olson says
Great article! We are newbies, and when we spent our first (and last, I hope) day in high waves, I turned into a quivering sad little blob. My husband and the boat were fine. I hope I can fake it next time we are in uncomfortable water!
Kevin Baerg says
Excellent article with the right attitude!
Carl H Martin says
How are things going at Boot Key? Is the mooring field back in business?
Carolyn Shearlock says
Some new boats are coming into the mooring field, but right now it’s “at your own risk” — the moorings will start being inspected on October 26 is what we’ve been told. There are pump outs, water, laundry and showers. Most restaurants are open, but most with a limited menu. Publix is open and fully stocked — Winn Dixie was badly damaged and not open. K-Mart, West Marine and Specialty Hardware are all open. The debris is being cleaned up, but there is still a lot of it. Don’t expect things to be perfect this winter — or exactly how you may remember them from the past — but it’s still wonderful.
Kristi Black says
One of my favorite mantras, “Fake it ‘til you make it!”
Carla Ingram says
Right on! Thank you for this.
Lana Lugenheim says
I’m really enjoying your blog. We are getting ready to embark on our journey and I’m as nervous as a cat on skates. You have a lot of good info on your site.
Jerri Miller says
You have had the best posts lately! I discovered that I’m so much more calm when other people are around (guests, parents, children). I tend to panic a lot more when it’s only my husband and I. Next time, I’ll pretend we have fearful guests and “fake it”!
Jerri Miller says
Having one of these on port and one on starboard made it a little hard to stay calm, but it was also oddly exciting.
The Boat Galley says
Yowzie!
Jerri Miller says
It’s all about keeping the legs from going to jelly! Ha ha. Thanks for all of your helpful posts!
Joyce Johnson says
Facing fear has been life changing for me. You have to realize that in the end we will all die anyway. If we don’t face our fears we miss out on truly living. First thing to tell yourself is “RELAX, I CAN DO THIS!” Then focus and do what has to be done. “A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. It seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.”
― William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
Lisa Gravitte says
Thanks
Cathy Berry says
It helps me to consider the worst that is likely, think about what the boat will really do not what I imagine it to do. Being only 2 years on a boat in the ocean sometimes, with a husband who grew up racing and crewing….big experience spread. I find understanding what our 47 foot sailboat really does helps a lot. I may be scared but she seems to be taking squalls and waves like a trooper, it’s about trust.
Cosmin Vacaroiu says
night watches are awesome, you feel like you’re in space
Cathy Berry says
I love the expansiveness of night. There are no limits. It feels like my mind is being stretched!
Dr. Jerome Fridmann says
Carolyn………Wisdom is a rare gift.
God was always stingy when doling out this commodity.
You girl must have secured first place in the queue .So the Almighty could not ignore you.
Kudos..
.J F……..An 87 year old Master mariner (Foreign going)
Carolyn Shearlock says
You are WAY too kind! But you made my day!
Wes Hagreaves says
Carolyn…Thankyou for your insight on this all too common problem…I am facing a situation soon that I must defuse….We are in the middle of a complete re-fit on our new to us boat….(43′ trawler). I will have replaced or redone ALL the systems on board with the exception of the engine….Its taken me 3 years and with any luck I will have our vessel ready for re-launch in 6 months…We are on the edge of retirement so it is a very exciting time. However when we get our boat back in the water i fear my wife may miss out on the whole exciting experience because of being overly nervous…I am trying to get her involved a little more with hands on re-fit tasks hoping that she will connect with things a little more….Am I a little anxious about our re-launch…of course ! But we all deal with stress differently and I will have my hands full with getting things operational and safe….We will get thru it and have a great time on the west coast of Canada….Thankyou again for a great website…Regards…Wes
Carolyn Shearlock says
Another thing that helps most people when things get overwhelming is to simply slow down. Make fewer miles a day. Plan more days just at anchor or in a marina. Trying to do too much too fast can really add to nervousness.
Have a great time — that area is beautiful!
LesleyAnn Gutsche says
Carolyn. Hello from South Africa. I haven’t sailed for years but so enjoy your newsy mails. Many thanks for them all, but more especially for this one. It hits the spot, wherever we are, whatever we are doing. Blessings to you.
ahmet erkan says
“Courage is doing what you are afraid to do” Eddie Rickenbacker WWI flying ace.
It is necessary at least for the Captain to “act” like he or she is calm and positive while doing everything that needs to be done. However, after having done all that can be done and maybe also having learned what not to do again, there is no need for acting any longer. Relax and put on a real smile, it may be your last chance to enjoy a juicy adrenaline rush 🙂
Once again, thank you for sharing what works with all your friends Carolyn.
All the best and cheers.
Ahmet
Anonymous says
All the time!!
Anonymous says
Me too!!
Anonymous says
Yep!
Anonymous says
Exactly what I do!!
Anonymous says
Crack open a freshy
Anonymous says
Kinda like a lot of these articles…..
Cathy Berry says
I also tell myself that I have chosen this life and this is part of it. Reminding myself I chose it helps.
Anonymous says
Tiffany Felda this the peeps I telling your mom and dad about !!!
Anonymous says
Just put my chin into the wind and go!
WANITA Meed says
Thanks for this. I seem to be getting more and more uptight as we cruise. I’ll try your suggestion.